Coca-cola Springs

An outline for a radical new invention in the field of beverages.

Following a few centuries of smoggy-factory-sweatshop ownership, blue-chip middle management, golf courses and restaurant dining a section of society has become particularly accustomed to drinking water with bubbles in: Spring water.

Curiously enough perfectly adequate water, derived from the water board, can have bubbles added at minimal expense, bottled and drunk with satisfaction... Oh no! You see, what being middle-class is all about is having something produced at higher cost than necessary but doing the same job. People demand water out of holes in the ground. Even better if this water comes from a hole in the ground geographically a long, long way from where folk eventually imbibe it. Better still if comes out with ‘natural’ bubbles rather than the cheap added ones.

Spring water – a curious term for a hole – emerges completely clear, clean, fizzy and ready to drink. This is supposedly superior an earlier invention; the well. There are things that separate wells from springs; bubbles and buckets and so forth. I will focus on their similarities; a vector for water, holes in the ground and baffling nomenclature.

However well water does not sit well, sorry this is serious, does not suit the image, of the middle classes because restaurants can’t sell it to any blue-chip, golf club-toting silicon mining executives. It seems the term well conjures notions of subsistence farming peasants drinking something to go with their ploughman’s lunches (long before the invention of Branston or gastro pubs). Further connotations of well water include the possibility of contamination from, say a dead goat, or for that matter silicon from a nearby mining enterprise. Altogether these factors mean that sales of well water are particularly poor and it rarely features on the tables of the best restaurants. Agriculture workers themselves long ago came up with a sensible solution to the hazards of well water; beer. This stuff, due to the fermenting process, is safe to drink and a lot more fun.
I digress; back to a previous observation. Both spring water and beer are considered desirably middle class enough once they have been transported far enough, at enough expense then served in attractive, expensive looking bottles. Importantly the bottles carry a label that hints at some alpine highland, tartan abyss, or recently in the case of beer; a Mexican desert. Thus reassuring people that in no way did this stuff emerge from a tap in Peckham and it really does cost a lot to get it to your table.

Bizarrely enough, another drink, essentially water with sugar (and bafflingly coloured black) became desirable around the time the middle classes stopped running mines and started working in offices. Cola is bottled and shipped about the place, usually with a red or blue label denoting the fact that the product contained within the container is, in no way, water. Or from Peckham. Though it could be.

Now here is the crux of my idea. Blue or red labelled diluted sugar syrup flits and flirts amongst various sections of society, blatantly whoring itself in council estate newspaper shops in cheap cans or in chain restaurants served in heavy glasses with ices and slices. However, our hero black water has never quite managed to ascend the social ladder into the kind of restaurants where patrons drink vintage Bordeaux’s, champagne from flutes or exquisitely expensive spring waters served in weird shaped glass bottles with thistles on the label. I maintain the reason cola can’t quite cut the mustard with the nouveau riche is it's slightly whore-esq nature. It blatantly and shamelessly re-prices and repackages itself penetrating disparate environments. What is needed is an entirely new cola, distinct from hamburgers in polystyrene boxes. Humph. A tough one.

Coca-cola springs.

This idea is a four-way collaboration between a geographic aqueous benefactor, modern industrial nous along, the corporate image of 50s rock n roll/national football teams/santa claus (depending on the season) and finally some cunning psychology. It will at last allow those who at some point in their life wondered if they might get their own pastry chiefs to enjoy some hydration in a sugared, blackened form without the embarrassment of having to share the same drinks choice as their brother who sells photocopiers.

The ‘think big, no expense spared’ logistics of the idea form the basis of the product's unique market positioning. The fabled black syrup (or post mix to those of us who have plumbed the depths of pub cellars and motorway service station kitchens) will be pumped down deep, deep underground directly into the source of an exotic spring (located far from Peckham) and emerge effervescing and marketable.

Spring-Cola is going to be highly expensive to create, impractical, unnecessary and therefore hugely desirable. The green glass bottle in which it should be transported along infeasible distances will be designed in Italy by an employee of Ferrari and bear a striking resemblance to the proportions of Beyonce. I know I'm thirsty. In a tip of the hat to its evolutionary predecessors the label could still be red or blue (depending on the corporation that takes up the idea). In addition to brand logo the label should also feature a large Star - Spangled Banner flying majestically over the Alps.